Why is it so hard to fight cleanly in the midst of an argument with the person we are supposed to love most, particularly when we already know tools and techniques for kinder conflict resolution?
Why do we choose to punish our partners rather than play fair?
It’s simple. When we are under stress, old ways of perceiving guide our experience.
On a fundamental level we experience ourself as separate and under attack by our partner, rather than in a temporary squabble with someone who is on our team. Because of this perception of separateness and threat, the defense system kicked in and we responded accordingly.
So we attack back.
Read more about this topic in the article “From Me to We – When Perspective is Key” I wrote for The Pact Institute: