“I would say that what we hear is the quality of our own listening” – Robert Fripp
“Listening can be an entryway from one world into another… our perspective shifts from “I” to “you” , and suddenly, we emerge into another world. When we discover our commonalities there, the gap between “I” and “You” closes, and we become “We””- Diane Musho Hamilton
Good listening is vital for good communication. We often think about listening as a passive act, but it’s quite the opposite- good, deep listening is a full-bodied event. When you are riveted by something or someone, it is easy and pleasurable. Often, though, it requires effort, intention, and a generosity of presence and attention.
When someone feels really heard, they immediately relax. Defensiveness falls away, anxiety disappears, and naturally, their system starts to regulate. To be listened to deeply is, unfortunately, a rare experience that we so often miss out on, because it isn’t something we are conventionally taught.
Think about it- think about a time where you felt really, deeply heard- who was the person listening? How did you know they were listening to you? What did you notice in your body, in their presence? Did it shift what you were talking about?
Now think of a time when you didn’t feel heard. What do you notice now? How does this impact not only how you feel but how you think and speak? I know that when my partner and I are caught in a defensive pattern where neither of us wants to truly listen, I get more rigid in my perspective, I start to repeat myself, and I start to think about how wrong he is, and so it goes.
Listening is so transformative, in fact, that some people call therapy the “listening cure”, rather than the “talking cure”. The idea is that when we are heard in our fullness, when someone gives us their undivided attention, and listens not just to the words we are saying, but to the significance they hold, something shifts within us. To listen well means to listen not only to what is said, but also to what is not said. It is to listen to the significance, the emotion underneath the story, and even to what the person speaking may not even know they are communicating.
How to be a good listener:
There is an important key to good listening- it is to let go of the “I” perspective- or to temporarily put our own thoughts and “yes but” voice on the backburner, so that we can really take in the other person. For example, if I am arguing with my partner, and I’m trying to participate in a way that will lead to resolution rather than just arguing, I will consciously note, internally, the voice that is opposed to him, and ask it to take a step back. I will empty out inside, and put all of my attention on him- and actually try to take in and take on his point of view. Good listening means we have to be willing to be changed by the other person, the other perspective. It doesn’t mean we can’t pick back up our own point of view, but probably, if we’ve listened, our own point of view will be softened, tempered, because we’ve allowed ourselves to open to the other. We get a sense of the bigger picture, and remember than both perspectives are valid. When we do this, we automatically move out of fight or flight and have a much better chance of accessing a state of creativity.
To listen well, we must first start with an intention. Remind yourself that you intend to really listen and take in the other person. Breathe, allow yourself to relax, and steady your attention on the other person. Receive their words, their metaphors, the emotion they are conveying, their body language, and energetic cues. Do they seem anxious, relaxed, warm, angry, stuck? How do you feel around them?
I love listening deeply. I love what happens in the therapy room when my clients feel listened to in their fullness- they start to transform. I also love to teach people how to listen to each other. When I witness couples enact the quality of generosity that deep listening engenders, I feel so deeply moved and grateful that this is my vocation.
Interested in scheduling a complimentary consultation call to see if working together feels right? Reach out here. I’d love to chat.